A few good jokes - Dodge Durango Forum - Forums and Owners Club!
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:22 AM
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Default A few good jokes

An old man at nursing home is having a fling with a little old lady a few rooms down from his. One night he gets up and creeps down the hall to his new girlfriends room for a late night booty call. Once in the room he quickly hops into bed with her to make love to her for the first time and as he is getting ready to begin she calls out "no wait I have acute angina" he replies "I hope so because you tits aren't doing anything for me"


I need some technical advice. I'm having some issues. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how all versions of GirlFriend seem to be totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??
5.8 Liters of Non Tree-Hugging Conspicuous Over Consumption
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:29 AM
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Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man
with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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Old 01-22-2012, 11:29 PM
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Tymont Tymont is offline
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some funny stuff right there.
I believe in dragons, the perfect woman, and other mythical creatures.

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